Today, I’m answering a fellow mama’s question, and it’s a great one!
She asks, “How to we validate ourselves?”
We talk about this often in the Mother’s Empowering Circle, and sometimes it’s really difficult to really understand HOW to get ourselves that self-validation.
I’m so glad this was asked because it invites us to find clarity in our lives. Once we have that clarity, we can really ask for what we need to receive validation. If we’re not clear, that’s where trouble lies.
I want to introduce a theory called “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” from John Gottman. It predicts divorce with 91% accuracy and can be applied to ourselves to prevent self-divorce. It’s made of 4 Cs, so let’s dive in.
When you’re attacking yourself with all sorts of mean words and phrases that you wouldn’t say to your children, that’s a way of separating from ourselves. These critical phrases are separating ourselves from self-love. A sign you’re in deep criticism is using statements that include “always” and “never.”
You’re always so late. Something is wrong with you. Just be on time!
The best way to defend against self-criticism is to be gentle with yourself. Let yourself be angry! It’s ok! Allow yourself to feel these feelings, and notice if there is a request from your inner coach. This can be “Please plan ahead so we don’t have to rush to important events. How can we plan ahead for next time?”
When we are in relationships with others and they criticize us, we get defensive and shoot verbal arrows back. The underlying message is actually saying that we don’t approve of ourselves. We can counter-attack for criticism AND adoration.
“You’re so great!” “Oh, I’m not that great.” (Say thank you!!)
The best way to respond to someone else attacking you is to explore it. So take a breath, and be curious what they’re saying instead of shooting back those arrows. This is easiest when you are firm in your own self-adoration. You know you’re not perfect and understand you are worthy of others’ respect.
The best indicator of a divorce between our inner wise woman and our young child. This happens when a partner feels superior to the other. There might be name calling or eye rolling, even toward ourselves.
“That’s SO Isabelle.” *eye roll*
Develop a sense of fondness and admiration for quirks and idiosyncrasies. When others point out your imperfections, smile.
Instead of pushing through an intense feeling, we push it down because they are painful. Acknowledge these feelings, allow them to rise, and they will pass. Shame, guilt, fear, anger… they will all pass.
Labor pains. As mamas, we know the reality of pushing through that pain instead of suppressing it.
When you’re flooded with emotions, take out a journal or call a friend/coach to explore your emotions. Let your emotions out and start doing detective work. You’re worthy of these feelings!
Please share any “A-ha!” moments in the comments you had while you watched this video. J