Levels of listening

I just held space for a monthly gathering I host for the Mother’s Empowerment Sisterhood. After we glided the circle, I found my heart feeling very tender. And it made me realize how much we are all longing to be truly heard. During the gathering everyone shared so vulnerably and I am so so soooo impressed by these women.

We talked about how challenging it can be when we don’t feel safe. We talked about what safety is and that it’s different from playing it safe.

And I was reminded of this quote from one of my fave classic books (my dad actually shows up in the movie!), The Little Prince. In the story, the fox points out, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

So let’s talk about “seeing rightly” for a sec…

One of the deepest hungers of the human heart is to feel understood. It’s something we all, universally, crave and it’s one of the reasons I created my membership and signature program: women want to be in a safe space with other women who UNDERSTAND.

When you think about it, isn't the reason people shout and yell at each other because they want to be understood?

They're basically yelling, "F*ing understand me! Listen to me. Respect me!" But yelling (or any elevated vocal tone) is usually so emotionally charged and disrespectful that instead of resolving matters it creates even more defensiveness and anger. It further wounds the relationship.

Much time, effort, and distress would have been saved had the individuals practiced Empowered Listening.

Here’s the thing though… We are an impatient bunch. And helping someone to feel understood takes time. Trying to be fast when listening to a person— especially in an emotional moment-is putting efficiency ahead of effective-ness. 

People don't typically like being rushed through an emotional state.

Like peeling layers from an onion, feelings come out one layer at a time-and that takes time. Sometimes a lot of time. Especially for us highly sensitive people. 

So what keeps us from being good listeners, especially in emotional moments? Sometimes the answer is sadly a lack of willingness. We are not interested enough in the other person's feelings or we don’t want to be interrupted, so we simply choose to ignore them.

But ignoring people is rude and we don't want to appear rude, so on many occasions we instead take our listening up a level and we pretend to listen. We repeat back a few words to the person or we nod our heads while keeping our eyes glued to our digital devices. We hope that the person will at least think we are listening.

Or, taking our listening to the next level, we listen selec-tively. We do our best to catch the main points of what the person is saying without giving them our undivided attention. We may even agree with a comment that is made and say something like, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

And it isn’t  until we get to the level of attentive listening before we show our full willingness to give a person the time they deserve-to hear them out. At this level, we pause whatever we are doing and give the person our undivided attention. We focus our ears and eyes on every word the person says. We pay close attention to their body language to make sure we capture the full content of their message.

Attentive listening is sufficient for most relationships- including the ones we have with our kiddos. For example, when a child is giving directions for where they need to be picked up at a friend's house, attentive listening is all that is necessary. It's just a matter of accurately capturing the content or facts of what is being said.

But certain conversations require an even higher level of listening. The conversations I am referring to are when things get emotional. It's when someone is hurting emotionally or when trust has been broken in a relationship. It's when people are angry or anxious. It's when not just facts but also feelings are being communicated— deep feelings.

This higher level of listening is called "empowered listening," or listening with our internal power intact. 

Empowerment is not to be confused with power over. Power over means you need to be bigger and better than the other person.

When we are truly empowered we understand the other persons point of view is valid to them even if it seems like it doesn’t make sense to us.

Empowered listening requires us to lay aside our viewpoints in an attempt to see the world from the other person's view-point. It requires us to pause, set aside any distractions, and use our ears, our eyes, and our heart to listen-with an emphasis on the heart. 

It also requires that we put on our “emotional golashes” so that anything that is spewed in our direction doesn’t stick to us. These emotional galoshes allow us to be unoffendable. 

AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL DOOR

SLAMMERS

Generally speaking, most people understand the need for good listening skills. Yet when it comes time to listen in challenging situations, they often end up unintentionally slamming doors on communication instead of opening doors.

This is because they are prone to listening not from the other person's viewpoints but from their own viewpoints-their own autobiographies. 

Let me explain.

If I were to write my life story, I would write it from my viewpoint—how I view my experiences and contributions. It would be my autobiography. If my husband, Brandon, were to write my life story, he would write it from his perspective—-how HE views my life. It would be a biography. 

The two versions of my lifestory would have significant differences because Brandon and I view some things differently. And if you were to read either my version or Brandon’s version of my life story, you would evaluate and interpret it from your own unique perspective- how you view things. Why? Because we all experience and view the world differently and view things through our own lenses.

This is one of the main reasons why so many communication problems occur between people who care about one another. We try to listen to the other person- not through the other person's eyes— but through their own autobiographies. We aren't willing or patient enough to set aside our own autobiographies and biases long enough to get into the person's world and see things from the other person's viewpoints.

In this week's episode on The Mother’s Empowerment Podcast, I talk about four autobiographical "door slammers" that people commonly use when listening. 

And for more listening tools checkout The Mother’s Empowerment Sisterhood. 

Warmly, Isabelle